You are in a serious relationship or considering proposing, you NEED discuss your family traditions with your partner. I mean a sit down serious detailed discussion. If you don’t, the holidays will be stressful, you may argue, you won’t enjoy yourselves, you may grow apart, and your families may be disappointed. Let’s make your traditions more peaceful and enjoyable and let these traditions bring you closer together.
You have over time observed some traditions and have talked in passing about holidays but you want your partner to understand what is important to you and you want to know what is important to them.
Traditions if not explained and planned in advance can lead to a lot of tension and derision between both of you and your families. Talking this through and making a plan ahead of time can make for a more peaceful happy holiday time.
You want to come to a compromise so you both feel honored. If you are about to propose, I do not recommend splitting up for holidays. You are becoming a family so sit down and figure out how to do holidays long-term.
Your family’s expectations are important to consider here. You want to consider their wishes when making your decisions and plans because holidays can be a great bonding time and time to reconnect. You can also hear a lot of stories about your partner. This is, however, about the two of you and both families. You simply may not be able to please everyone so start with what you both want.
The holidays are hopefully something you don’t have to argue about. Listen to your partner, respect their ideas and try to compromise. This may not be an easy conversation, but talking about it in advance can make it less emotional and easier to come to an agreement.
Here are some questions you both need to answer. Take turns, this could be a lot of fun!
- What holiday/tradition means the most to each of you? Why?
- Is it possible to do both of those traditions?
- If not, can we move the dates by a day or two so we can do both?
- If moving dates doesn’t work, is alternating years a possibility?
- What holidays/traditions mean the most to our families?
- Do we still want to participate in those?
- What is our 2nd most important holiday, 3rd holiday, etc.
- Do we need to celebrate some traditions on Skype?
- Is our family getting so large that we need to draw names for gifts? You don’t want the holidays to turn into a financial strain.
- Should we take turns entertaining and all bring dishes to share? If the entire family contributes, more people will be open to hosting.
- What boundaries should we set so we don’t feel overwhelmed and we actually enjoy the holiday?
- Make a list and divide the tasks so you are both working on the holiday shopping, cooking, planning, communicating, etc. No one will enjoy the tradition if one person is carrying the load.
- How will we celebrate the holiday as a couple? Schedule special time for the two of you. Get it on the calendar.
Great job! That may have seemed like a lot, but you will be SO relieved that you have done this planning once the next tradition rolls around. Now, let your families know your plan. You want to manage expectations and give them time to process the changes. You do not want to let them know 2 weeks before thanksgiving that you are not coming or ask them to celebrate Saturday instead.
You can also let them know you are going to give this new plan a try and see how it goes and that things may change again if/when children enter your lives.
You did it! You came up with a plan to try for this year. If it doesn’t work, revisit the plans and make changes, then when the holidays come around you can enjoy yourselves together.
