Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answer to. Seriously don’t. When you get upset or offended at the answer, it damages the level of trust between you.
There are going to many many things you want to know about your partner. You are excited to understand them and build a deep connection leading to a strong marriage. It is true that your partner’s past has made them what they are today, so they will want to share most of it with you. They may not want to admit their past mistakes because they feel like they have learned from their mistakes and try to correct them. They also don’t want to hurt you.
You will also want to know what your partner is really thinking or feeling about you or about something that has happened. Only ask what you TRULY want to know so your discussions are meaningful and not petty.
For example, do you really want to know if your hips look big in those pants? Do you really want to know how many sexual partners your Love has had? Do you really want to know what your partner thinks of that wagon wheel coffee table? (When Harry Met Sally reference).
Here is your job in this potentially sticky conversation:
- Remember you asked this question – you wanted the answer. Get ready to accept it.
- Be ready to listen to the answer. You know your partner and how much they care about you. Don’t shoot the messenger.
- Let them explain. Do not interrupt.
- Pause after their answer. Take deep breaths so you stay calm and so you do not say something you don’t mean.
- Everyone is entitled to their opinion – you do not have to agree.
- Calmly and respect discuss if it warrants further discussion.
- Thank them for being honest.
Well done! You have now taught your partner that they can be honest with you, that you meant what you said when you asked for their honest answer and they can trust in your response. Next time you ask a question they will feel free to be genuine and not terrified.
Here is where people break trust. If you argued with them about their answer, said how hurt you are, belittled them for their opinion, walked away or gave them the silent treatment, they will not be honest with you in the future. Well mannered people have been trained to be “nice”. Do you want a “nice” answer or an honest one? Now if their delivery is poor or cruel, that is very worthy of a conversation, but that is a different conversation.
Don’t want to know. Don’t ask!
