Everyone has a bad first date. One of the things that can make it horrible is a stranger asking you very personal questions about things that no one needs to hear in detail until later on. Yes, most of us are going to be nervous and maybe slightly awkward on a first date, but you can do lots of things to make the situation more comfortable and enjoyable. Here are some topics to avoid so you and your date stay in the fun zone.
- Don’t Talk About Your Ex
This may seem obvious, but as conversation progresses, something may trigger you and you will just start sharing – and sharing TOO much. Your date does want to hear about your ex eventually, just so they know what you have been through, but not now and not on the next date either.
Your date will know whether or not you are ready for love by how you talk about your ex. If you are still furious at your ex – do you really want to be on this date when you still harbor anger? If you are looking for something casual while you do the healing work, hopefully you have already told your date what your intentions are. If not, please let them know in a gentle way what your relationship goals are for the moment. They deserve to know. You never want to waste people’s time or yours.
I once was on a date with an amazing guy and I liked him a lot from our online chats and phone conversations. But what did he spend our entire 1st date talking about? His ex and the whole sordid tale and it was a tragic story. I did not learn anything else about him and he learned nothing about me. So guess how I walked away feeling? I did know right then and bullet dodged, that he was not ready for love.
If your date asks about your ex, you just need to have a simple explanation prepared like: “My last relationship ended about a year ago as we realized we both just wanted different things. It was a good decision for both of us.” If your date presses you for more, just say “I am happy to share all of that with you in the future, but for now I am interested in getting to know you.”
- Don’t Get Too Personal Too Quickly
Keep in mind the goal of this first date – to determine if you want a second date. You are NOT deciding if you can see yourself long-term with this person. If you do walk in with that limiting mindset, you will overjudge, be too harsh and likely turn the next date down. Give it a chance!
Do not interrogate this person so it feels like a job interview. You don’t need to know about all their deeply held beliefs, family drama, or dealbreakers right now. Just have naturally flowing conversation about things like hobbies and interests. You are just trying to see if there is some chemistry there. Keep it light and friendly.
- Don’t Judge Their Relationship Status
Be careful with your compliments that they do not come across as backdoor compliments. Ouch! Some things just never need to be said. Things like “How can someone as pretty as you not be in a relationship?” and “Who would ever divorce you?” and “Why are YOU still single?” These questions are huge turn-offs and how in the world can those be answered? Questions like that put people on the defensive. It would just be like you asking, “Why aren’t you wealthy? You are a professional after all.”
Don’t forget, you are also single and for a very good reason. Put yourself in their shoes and keep in mind your being single no matter how it happened will have a happy outcome.
- Don’t Be Your Own Billboard
Don’t be arrogant about your achievements of any kind. You have a lot to be proud of, but NO ONE likes someone that is overconfident or cocky. Be proud of your life, your children, your career or whatever you are discussing, but humility is SO sexy. You are great and so are they. You can be amazing together. So share and be humble.
- Don’t Tell Your Date You Stalked Them
You may have googled your date or looked up their accounts. You do not need to talk about what you learned about them on social media. They will feel stalked! Some people look up their date to be sure someone is legit and who they say they are. The truth is a con can put together a social media site so I don’t know if that search actually gets you anywhere. Everyone wants to share their life and stories in their own way and in their own time and have those surprises revealed gradually. The slow unveiling is part of the magic of dating. It doesn’t feel good to be social media stalked and then to be told what you learned. Get to know someone through conversation and shared experiences instead. Enjoy the mystery of getting to know someone new and follow your gut.
- Don’t Over-Compliment
Compliments can help break the ice. Both of you are wondering what the other person is thinking so go ahead and tell the other person how nice they look and how happy you are to meet them.
Once you give a compliment about their appearance that is enough focus on their looks though. You don’t want the other person to think you are attracted to them just because of their looks, we all want to be chosen for our attributes, beliefs, talents, character, etc. And let’s face it, too many compliments come off as disingenuous and it exhausts the recipient!
If you want to give another compliment ask about an interesting ring they have on or acknowledge something intriguing they said when you first talked on the phone.
- Avoid Getting Into Heavy Topics
Keep the topics light and away from other traumatic situations that you have been through. Your date really wants to hear these stories as they will bring you closer, but they want to hear them AFTER you are a couple. Not now. You don’t want them feeling like your therapist.
Remember your mission is to decide if you have enough in common for a second date, not to choose a significant other. Be talkative, playful, laugh, ask about their children if they have any, their hobbies, what they love about their job, etc.
If a heavy topic comes up you can say “I have been through that too, I look forward to telling you about it sometime”. If they press for more information, just explain it’s just not good 1st date conversation and change the subject.
8 . Keep Taking Deep Breaths So You Can Think Before You Speak
You are likely both nervous. Trying to stay in the moment will settle your nerves and help you enjoy yourself. You want to come off as a confident, positive, and genuine person- not someone you are not.
Have a great time and don’t feel the need to be in a rush to know everything about them on this date. Be positive! Enjoy the process of getting to know them. Lead with YOU!
