There is a very good reason, you aren’t just trying to drive yourself mad. We are going to go a little deep in this blog because understanding this principle will help you consciously choose a mate that is good and healthy for you. Understanding this cycle will explain why you don’t want to marry someone simply because you love them. You want to make sure you choose someone that is good for you, has the traits that you need and desire, and that brings out the best in you.
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When you meet someone new, your unconscious mind is looking for someone that feels familiar, that feels like home. Every element of your childhood – good and bad- is stored in your unconscious mind. This means that part of your brain is searching for that comforting familiarity. You may find yourself saying things like – “I feel like I have known you forever” with your new mate. You feel that way because they are bringing in those same traits that you experienced as a child. You feel like they are your other half because your unconscious mind is looking to recreate your childhood in order to heal those hurts and to revive the joys.
To DO: Make a list of your parents’ dominant traits. Then make a list of your partner’s dominant traits. Then make a list of all your past partner’s dominant traits. I know this will take you a while, but you will get the AHHHH HAAA moment afterward.
Which traits do your parents and your partners have in common? Statistically, you are going to choose someone that has many of the negative traits and some of the positive traits of your primary caregivers. The negatives usually win out.
Now there will be a trait or two that you consciously work to avoid in your new partner. For instance, if your father was never home, you may seek someone that is more dedicated to family. If you grew up in a house with yelling, you may work to find someone that does not yell. However, the other negatives will appear. Your brain is simply trying to repair past hurts by recreating the past so that you can heal.
This, however, is a path sought with turmoil. You will start off well of course. You feel connected, meant to be, like soulmates. But as time goes on, the negative traits you were consciously hoping to avoid, come forward and you are now in a destructive pattern. You realize that this person reminds you of both your parents and your exes! You feel defeated and like giving up on love in general as this pattern tends to repeat itself.
You are doing this all unintentionally so give yourself some grace. People only use their conscious mind 5% of the time so we all make this mistake. The trick is to TURN ON your CONSCIOUS mind when you need it to work for you. Sit back and be objective, which is not easy when you just want to make goo-goo eyes at your new crush.
The lesson here – you fall madly in love and feel like you have met the one. Great! Now take your time. Every few days, sit down and go what do I like about this person, what is making me happy, and look at the list of dominant traits of your parents, what similarities do you see so far? Go through life’s day-to-day together and date -enjoy yourself. Experience each season, get into a routine, go through the tough situations that life tends to present, wait for the real them to appear.
To DO:
*How did you both do when you went through a tough time together?
*Is your partner really there for you?
*What about them triggers you?
*What good traits do they share with your parents?
*What negative traits do they share with your parents?
*Do they bring out the best or worst in you?
*Can you live with their weaknesses?
*How well do you communicate?
*Do you resolve conflict well?
*Do you have shared values and beliefs?
*Do you have similar lifestyles and life plans/dreams?
*What do you need in a partner that they cannot offer you? Can you live without that?
You love them and you feel at home with this person. But are they good for you? Are they REALLY what you want and need?
Think about your last few relationships. Were they like your parents? Is your new person like your ex? If so, please proceed carefully. You and your ex broke up for a reason.
Let’s say you break up. The lesson – have your eyes WIDE open as you start dating again. Write down the characteristics you consciously need and want in a partner. Go on dates, come home and revisit the list. Do they have those characteristics on your list? There may be that delicious cosmic chemistry that we all love and hope for…. Is it your unconscious mind or conscious mind attracting them to you…. You want to be sure you aren’t marrying your parents. It’s time to move on past that and create the life you deserve.
