There are two reasons you don’t like them – you don’t feel a connection.
This is Tamara, your Dating and Relationship Coach rooting for you!
Here is the first. It occurs on the 1st date.
You are finally out on a date with a great person. It is date 1 or 2 or 3 and you are having a nice time getting to know each other. You are discovering that they really are a great person – they have all of the qualities that you have been looking for in a partner.
If your friends met them, they would say you were a good match and you were lucky to have met them. You went home after your date and mentally scrolled through your list of what you want and need in a partner – they meet almost all of them. So now you are wondering: Why am I disappointed? Why don’t I care if we go out on another date?
You are playing mental tennis over this wonderful person. Stop. It is ok that you are not feeling a romantic connection. Chemistry is not a cliche it is real. Drown out your friends’ voices, your voice, your mother’s voice telling you to give them another try. It is up to you.
Attraction can grow with time. You do like them – they are a good human, but there is no spark. That cosmic connection that draws you to another is just not there. What do you want to do? A good person is a great find so think carefully.
Here is the 2nd reason you may be struggling: Love languages.
You may feel this disconnect quickly, it may manifest over a few weeks time or you may have been fighting to keep a relationship together for years. You feel wonderful when you are with them, you have many things in common, the chemistry is there, but your relationship is falling apart.
You feel the distance growing between you and cannot figure out what is wrong. Again, they are great on paper and are a wonderful human. As time passes, you feel irritated with each other and not cared for even though you know they care for you.
Ok, stop. Get off the merry-go-round and take the Love Language Assessment. You and your partner likely have different love languages.
Be sure to have your partner take the assessment too. It will only take 20 minutes. :
https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/singles-quiz/
Dr. Gary Chapman developed a life-altering principle that will enhance all of your relationships. Your love language(s) is how you give and receive love.
Some people need love shown to them through one primary love language, sometimes two. There are rare cases where people have similar scores in 3 or more languages. Dr. Chapman has written many great books/audiobooks where you can learn more about how to understand what each love language means.
Here are some examples. Your love language is touch, your partner’s language is acts of service. This means he will show he loves you by mowing the lawn and taking your car in for service. You try to show him how much you missed him by giving him a hug, touching his hand during dinner and snuggling up with him on the couch. The problem is you feel like you are doing all of the initiating and you most likely are. He is not touching you at dinner because he showed his love to you by mowing the lawn. You are not planning the vacation he asked you to work on because you want to snuggle up and do it together. You feel rejected because he doesn’t often touch you during the day and he feels hurt because he feels like you don’t do things for him.
This is why you are growing apart. You don’t realize that you are both showing love but in a way that your partner is not receiving it. You think, that it was nice that he took my car in for service, but why doesn’t he want to touch me? You feel hurt and so does he.
You CAN overcome this. You can work through this and stay together. Sit down together with your assessment results and talk them over. You likely feel hurt and misunderstood because you have different primary love languages. Open the website 5 Love Languages – The 5 Love Languages® and learn about each other’s language(s).
Practice each other’s language by showing them you care in THEIR language. It will take time – new habits take 21 days to form – but by dedicating yourselves to this, you will get closer and you will feel more connected. Commit, practice, and check in with each other to see how it is going. Is your partner feeling more loved? The secret to reconnecting is to commit to this new practice.
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