Does your partner care more about being right than working through things with you?

Let’s talk about why that is happening and how to bring your argument to a healing conclusion.

This is Tamara, your Dating and Relationship Coach rooting for you! 

Contact me at True-Connection.net and we can talk Dating, Relationships and Getting Ready for Marriage.

Arguing can go on for hours, days, or weeks with this pattern. The fundamental problem here is intention. If your partner’s intention is to win – to be right – the fight will not end until you give in.  If the intention is to solve the problem and learn from each other, then the fight can end respectfully and much more quickly. That competitive fighting spirit is great for basketball or chess, but it can ruin a relationship.

I know you are angry with them for making even small issues difficult so let’s take a look at why. Where is their inability to apologize coming from?

Apologizing can be difficult for a person for a few reasons.

  1. Your partner was raised to believe that apologizing is a sign of weakness. My guess is you or someone you know was raised in a household like this. The rule was obey, don’t question and the leaders of the household never apologized even when it was obvious he/she was wrong. The leader of their household never apologized – never.

  2. Your partner just wants to win. They are wired to see arguments as a competition. Apologizing would mean conceding to you. They have forgotten their true intention. They are defaulting to an old unhealthy habit.

  3. Your partner is afraid to be vulnerable. If he/she apologizes your partner may fear losing respect in your eyes. That they are no longer strong and you would see them as less than.

  4. Your partner is in fight, flight or freeze mode due past trauma or abuse. The argument has triggered these responses and this response is not about the two of you – it is about past hurts. When you two are in a calm loving mood, talk about it. What is wrong, why is arguing a trigger, what can you do next time to stay calm and not push any buttons.  If you are not able to solve this on your own, therapy would be a good option. You do not want hurts from the past to be the demise of your relationship.

Disagreements can be a blessing if you let them. Having a disagreement has the potential to bring you both closer together. You just learned something important about your partner thought this conversation, what hurts them, their preferences, what they need from you.

Being vulnerable, being honest and showing respect for the other’s feelings is going to bring you closer together and quickly. Here is how to make a sincere apology – a 4 step process developed by psychologists Dr. Stephen Sharer and Dr. John Daly . It is as simple as saying I am sorry. You also need to speak sincerely, express an intention for making up and show effort.  Your partner will know immediately if you don’t mean it.

Here are the 4 steps to a loving apology:

  1. Express Remorse for a Mistake – Saying you are sorry, express sincere words of regret. I apologize. Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it, your partner will hear your insincerity and it will actually make things worse.

  2. Admit Responsibility – be accountable, take responsibility. What you did may have been an accident, we may have not even realized we made a mistake – we still need to apologize.

  3. Make Amends – how can you make up for what you did? How can you make it better. If you don’t know the answer, ask your partner how to repair this wrong.

  4. Promise you will do your best not to let this happen again. If it is something you do not realize you are doing like putting the toilet seat down, ask your partner to remind you as this is a new habit you need to develop. For larger issues like putting her down in a public setting just stop know that you know how he/she feels.

Working through tough things effectively builds trust. Calm respectful conversation and a 4-step apology has the power to bring you even closer together. Do not be afraid of a disagreement. You have the power to keep it respectful and not let it grow into an argument.  Keep in mind your intention- to show care for your partner. You demonstrate this by listening, committing to working through it, and apologizing. The way to build trust is to keep your word – don’t make that mistake again

For more laughs subscribe to my YouTube channel – TamaraTrueConnection, You will see MY personal dating stories there. What? Yes!

You can also follow me on Instagram TamaraTrueConnection.

 

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