What kind of premarital counseling is good for us?
You are getting married! Congratulations! Now you want to be sure that you are both ready for this exciting new journey. There are 5 options designed to prepare you for marriage. Which one is right for you?
The idea behind premarital sessions is to make your 1st years together easier. You can focus on building a beautiful new life together because you have already made the big decisions and talked through things together. There will be fewer stressful surprises and more happy moments. Which one of these is right for you?
Premarital Counseling
– this option is designed for those that want or need to talk in-depth about certain issues. As time progressed you and your fiance may have discovered that there is past trauma and hurts being brought into your relationship. A counselor can dig deeper into what is wrong and help you solve those issues. You will meet with your counselor for 50 minutes for as many sessions as it takes to come to a resolution. One or both of you could also take personal counseling which could be of great benefit along with your couple sessions. You can choose a Christian or non-christian counselor.
Disadvantages – you may not have time to have as many sessions as needed before you get into the busiest weeks leading up to the wedding. You may also find yourself talking about very important unrelated issues, but not sorting through issues that should be discussed before the wedding. To avoid these disadvantages start counseling as far before the wedding as possible.
Premarital Coaching Sessions
– coaching is talking through the issues that most couples struggle with in their first years of marriage. This method offers more flexibility in that you choose the content for the sessions based on your needs as a couple. You can also create a session(s) based on your own topic. The sessions are 50-60 minutes and most topics can be covered in one session. Homework is given so that when you arrive at the session, you and the coach can get right into the conversation. The activities are very specific so you learn the maximum amount about your partner and each of your perspectives. You can choose a coach with a religious or non-religious approach.
Disadvantages – this is not therapy. It is possible to talk at length about a topic but trauma and deep-rooted issues that are hurting you and your relationship need more time and attention.
Religious sessions
– many churches offer premarital education/sessions. The format varies widely by church and religion. The sessions will last 45-60 minutes and the number of sessions depends on the nature of their program. Be sure to ask for details about the course. Sometimes these sessions are education-based and the roles of the wife and husband are the focus. There will not be as much time spent exploring your relationship, your dynamics, and the issues that affect you two specifically. These sessions are great if you are looking to focus on the biblical perspective of marriage.
Disadvantages – not all clergy have training in premarital counseling or premarital education and some have never been married. Many times there is a volunteer – not clergy – hosting these sessions with no premarital training. The sessions being educational in focus will likely not lead to pivotal discussions about how the two of you will navigate life’s important issues like money and communication.
Mentors
– Mentors are another married couple that you meet with for months to walk you through marriage and what you might experience. Some mentors have a curriculum/book that they follow with a new topic in the weekly or monthly discussions The sessions can last from 1-2 hours. You will want to ask for specifics about the program, its content, and length. This is a couple that has been married for many years and therefore has been through the ups and downs of marriage. They likely have been referred to you by your church and therefore these sessions will have a religious base. Be sure to make sure you are matched with a couple that is not close to you or they are not likely to be vulnerable with you and you will not feel comfortable being vulnerable with them. You need a couple that you connect with and where you feel like you can openly share.
Disadvantages – this couple is wise but likely untrained. They may have been to a workshop to learn the topics you will follow but are only going from the book and their own personal experiences. It would be difficult to make the same progress using this format and you may not have 1-2 hours a week to devote to the session along with the reading.
Learn on your own
– there are many wonderful books and activities that the two of you can go through together. There are some great religious and non-religious resources you can explore. You would find these using recommendations from family, friends, your church, or searching online.
Disadvantages – the trouble with this one is finding the time. With work, fun, wedding planning and life’s tasks, it is difficult to find time to read, find an exercise and then to sit down and thoroughly discuss. When you have sessions with someone – you make the time and are held accountable for the homework. Another issue is in knowing what to do once you have filled out your worksheet or read a chapter. In discussing finances for example, how do the two of you talk through it, negotiate to find common ground, and make sure each other is truly understood. How do you know if you have come to a resolution?
What a good variety of options for you. Choose the option that suits you two as a couple and how you want to grow closer together. You can of course do a combination of these methods too. You could have a coach for example and also meet with a mentor couple.
Congratulations on your engagement! Premarital sessions are the best gift you can give yourselves and your relationship. They will give you the tools to learn and grow closer together.
