Are you wondering why you aren’t sticking to your goals? Why aren’t you doing what needs to be done? Do you feel like you are letting yourself down?
This book will answer ALL of those questions! So relax and breathe a sigh of relief. Help is here. It takes practice, but LOVE YOU. You are important and precious.
“The Four Tendencies” by Gretchen Rubin will help you stop feeling like you are going crazy.
Take the free 5-minute quiz to find out your type: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ Gretchen will send you a report about your tendency.
This blog and Grethen’s book will help you demystify why your partner does what they do. Once you understand how you and your partner think, you can figure out how to communicate and problem-solve together. Without this, you will keep arguing in circles and feeling disrespected.
The 4 Tendencies are four personality profiles – how we think, how we make decisions, and how we set up our life written by Gretchen Rubin. Thank you Gretchen for making sense of things that were driving us to madness with our partner and leading us to develop compassion for ourselves.
Here is the link to purchase her book. Holding the book makes it easy to turn to the sections that apply to you: There are sections for how to deal with co-workers, clients/patients, and children for each tendency.
https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com
The 4 types are Questioner, Upholder, Obliger, Rebel. They all contain blessings and curses.
Fundamentally we all face two types of expectations. The 4 Tendencies show us how we respond to these 2 types of expectations.
1. Outer expectations – assigned duties at work or taxes to be paid for example
2. Inner expectations – things we impose on ourselves like a weight loss goal or new dinnertime.
The Questioner: Resists outer expectations and meets inner expectations.
“I do what I think is best, according to my judgment. If it doesn’t make sense, I won’t do it.”
The Upholder: Meet outer expectations, meets inner expectations.
“I do what others expect of me – and what I expect of myself.”
The Obliger: Meets outer expectations and resist inner expectations
“ I do what I have to do. I don’t want to let others down, but I may let myself down.”
The Rebel: Resists outer expectations, resists inner expectations
“I do what I want, in my own way. If you try to make me do something – even if I try to make myself do something – I’m less likely to do it.”
What it means to be a QUESTIONER:
Questioners question all expectations and will only do something, follow through or follow a rule if it makes sense to them. They only meet inner expectations.
They tend to analyze and research each task or rule, which can lead to not making a decision or taking action. They also don’t like to be questioned once they have made a decision.
Questioners in a relationship: A questioner questions everyone including their partner, family, and experts. If it doesn’t make sense to them they aren’t going to do it even if you ask. If they know why it is important to you, your odds go up considerably. Their theme song is “WHY?” They also have a lot of confidence in their knowledge or ability to research something. This leads to them ignoring the advice of experts or not seeking help when needed because they think they can figure it out on their own. Look out for analysis-paralysis. Their partner may feel frustrated because sometimes tasks just need to get done, there isn’t always time or a need for analysis.
What it means to be a REBEL:
Rebels resist ALL expectations both internal and external, which can make work and personal relationships tumultuous. It can also be difficult for them to accomplish their own goals because they don’t want anyone including themselves imposing expectations, restrictions, or goals.
They are unapologetically themselves which can unintentionally make their partners feel disrespected and demeaned.
Don’t tell a Rebel what to do. They won’t do it. Talk about what you love about something or what they love about doing something so they are thinking about the positives, but making their own choice.
Rebels in a relationship: They are free independent thinkers that resist both internal and external expectations. They think outside the box and come up with intriguing questions and can breathe new life into convention. This also leads to conflict within themselves and those around them because they won’t do it if asked or when they things are expected of them. They can come across as defiant, rude, lazy, and difficult for the sake of it. A partner could feel ignored, alone, disrespected, and unloved if they don’t understand this tendency.
What it means to be an UPHOLDER:
Upholders follow both inner and outer expectations. They want to avoid letting anyone down including themselves.
People rely on upholders because they know they will keep their commitments and honor their obligations. The great thing is they do t
Upholder in a relationship: An upholder is a rule follower – they are determined to meet deadlines, obey traffic laws, follow signs, etc. They are not good at being spontaneous or changing plans. In a relationship, their reliance on habits can feel contrived and boring. Their need to follow the rules can seem restrictive. It may be best to not tell an upholder specifics until it is time so that if plans change it avoids distress. They may also come across as rigid or defensive as they are trying to balance 2 types of expectations.
What it means to be an OBLIGER:
The Obligers are the group that responds to external expectations. These are the people-pleasers among us. They will go to the gym if someone is waiting for them or return a library book if there is a fine if they return it late.
People tend to love obligers because they will keep their word and volunteer for much. This leads to burnout though and potentially extreme response.
Obliger in a relationship: They are focused on meeting their partner’s needs and expectations. They will need a partner that looks out for them so that they do not overcommit, do too much, and become overburdened and resentful.
It also helps an obliger when their partner creates accountability. “Your friends are counting on you for girl’s night. Have a great time!” They need external expectations or they won’t do things that are good for them.
Understanding YOU brings you peace. You know how to help yourself get things done and meet your goals. You will be a much better partner, friend, family member, and co-worker. It takes practice, but LOVE YOU. You are important and precious.
Contact me anytime to talk about the goals you have for your relationship. Let’s get you the loving partnership you crave.
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